But seriously, these musicians know the lines that will work in our heads, and that’s why they create these catchy lines to make you fall.
Your favourite Nigerian musician is playing you. They think that you are a fool. You, with all of your macho big chest, small waist and plenty muscle. They think you are fool. Imagine!
And it’s not their fault. They will not tell you that you are an imbecile. They will stylishly do it in their music, dropping insults that your small brain cannot pick up.
Yes, they insult you when they sit in that studio, cook nonsense, shout “this song na jam, oya give them so that their brain go do backflip.”
I have heard them say these things plenty times, and I have prayed in my heart that the song does not become hit. But my bad belle does not work. You, with all of your education and sense, will hear the song and sing out like some starved goat.
You think I am lying? Look in the mirror when you scream “Taaaaty billion for the akanti oh.” How do you look? Will your father be proud of you so? Is it not better that you go on all fours, eat grass and bleat ‘Meeeeeeeeeeee!’
But seriously, these musicians know the lines that will work in our heads, and that’s why they create these catchy lines to make you fall. In 2017 alone, there are a lot of these lines in our lives. From Davido to Tekno, they have found new ways to toy with our brain, and make us sing along because of these lines.
We have found 10 of them below, be sure to avoid them when next the song comes on and threatens to take away your hard-earned home training. Before you give it up, think of your mother and how she flogged sense into you. Think my people, think.
Jesus did not die for this!
“30 billion for the account oh, Versace and Gucci for your body oh baby” – Davido on ‘If’
If you have ever shouted “30 billion….for the account oh,” I am judging you. So one small boy, with a father that can buy half of Biafra, decided to enter the studio and shout this thing, and you followed him. Did you not know that he is mocking you? You that have not eaten this morning. Why are you like this?
Next time, when you are enjoying that small alcohol that you manage to buy, if they play this song, let your conscience judge you. In fact I am judging you now.
“Money fall on you, Banana fall on you,” – Davido ‘Fall’
See as this boy carry spoil my best fruit. How can I ever eat Banana again with my church mind? How can I consume this sweet fruit without thinking of dropping it on the head of an innocent woman? How? Davido has corrupted my mind, and made me feel guilty. Last night, my little niece came into the room and said ‘Uncle, I want banana’.
I had to take her to church for deliverance. After 10 hours of prayer, the good Lord revealed to the pastor that the small girl just wanted small fruit to eat.
Davido, I am coming for you. Holy Ghost fire will fall on you today!
“If you leave me, yawa go dey….” Tekno, ‘Yawa’
I felt scared for my younger sister and every single woman I know in this life who is in a relationship. This line is a threat, that was mixed with music to make us not know. Tekno is threatening this poor woman into loving him. And you know she has no choice, before that his big Cassava will just make her shout and ‘Pana’.
After listening to this song, I ran to the gym to lift weights and improve on my ability to commit violence. If I hear any guy dating my sister sing this song, I will tear shirt, tear his shirt too, and send him to a hospital. It is in your life that Yawa will dey.
“If you no get money, hide your face…” – Small Doctor, ‘Penalty’
This song took me to church and back. It stirred my soul and reminded me that last last, I am just a broke boy. How many times have we all ‘hide our face’ because our pocket is drier than the Sahara desert. There was one time a girl tried to put her hand into my wallet to steal money, and guess what, she found cobwebs. I had not made one naira in two years, and my wallet was the testimony.
In fact, I can hear my girlfriend calling for hair money. Sshhh! Time to hide my face.
“Too much Juice, too much sauce” – Ycee, ‘Juice’
This line is nasty! How can you say a girl that God created, and her mother carried her for 9 months has too much juice? Come hear Ycee! Knee down and raise your hands in the air. Close your eye. In fact, someone should go and pluck me cane.
Biko, what type of ‘juice’ does she have? Is she orange or tangerine? Or are you saying that she has plenty German Juice? What is wrong with you. You have spoil finish!
“If she follow me go na enjoyment go kill am oh” – Runtown, ‘Mad Over You’
There are many ways to die in this cruel world, but shout out to Runtown. All of our fine fine girls can choose to die the right way, in the warm, gentle and loving hands of enjoyment. If only Runtown extended that invitation to guys too. No homo, but I also want to die with enjoyment. So that if God sends me to hell, as the fire burns my fat bum bum, I can bear it like a man. I will not complain. After all, I died by enjoyment!
“Shey footballer ni e…” – Niniola, ‘Maradona’
Yes Niniola. I am scum, a scum that has played your heart like a footballing Legend. I am Joey Maradona, scorer of goals, Breaker of Hearts, first of his name, King of the Trash Kingdom, and the High priest of F***boys.
I broke your heart. Let me see what you can do. Maradona ni mi!
“Iskaba, Iskelebete, Iskoloboto” – Wande Coal, ‘Iskaba’
If I ever had dragons in this life, when they want to breathe fire and burn all of my enemies reading this article, I will simply look the other way and whisper ‘Iskaba!’
The rest of the chorus on that song just sounds like something a fake herbalist says to make you feel like he is communing with the spirits. Once he says it, carry your bag and run. Before he demands that you bring the eye of a malnourished Tse-tse fly.
“Nepa no bring light o…generator wan tear my ear” – Tekno, ‘Rara’
Tekno is the truth! The soundtrack of Nigeria is not Wizkid, Davido or Fela. It’s the sound of that generator that disturbs you as you sleep at night.
Tekno must have had his eardrums busted by all those ‘I better pass my neighbour’. No wonder he does not hear word. That’s why he can date Folake, Monica, Samantha, and Angel Michael. This boy needs medical attention, fast!
“Give me love I no go run away” – LAX, ‘Run away’
My dear sister, don’t ever you make the mistake of giving anyman that sounds like this your precious love. Save it for you God, who is the author and finisher of your faith. He is the only one that you are sure that will not run away.
The rest of the guys have a middlename: “Chop and run.”
Better close your legs. If Konji likes, let it kill you. Don’t give anybody your sweet love. They will run away.